I have an egregious burden which mars my days and haunts my dreams – My holiday shopping is not yet done. Oh, the shame! Black Friday has come and gone, and I have many gifts yet to purchase. So, while I’m out at the Dollar Store spending money on my friends and family (don’t judge me, I’m poor), I’ve been pondering what some of the pro-sports world’s struggling entities have at the top of their shopping lists.

The entire Fox NFL Sunday Crew
A bottle of prescription downers. Really, those guys crack up as if someone was constantly pumping nitrous oxide into the studio.

The Toronto Blue Jays
A dancing partner. Somebody, please make a deal for Roy Halladay and give these guys something good in return.

Cleveland Cavaliers
A magic lamp. Somebody needs to put Kazaam back in his bottle.

Oakland Raiders
Nothing. Al Davis has outlawed Christmas.

Green Bay Packers
Twenty Bowflexes and $2 million credit line at Outback Steakhouse. That offensive line needs to beef up.

Cleveland Browns
Five more draft picks in the first round. Maybe then they can finally land a quarterback who will stick.

Jay Cutler
A violin and a box of kleenex. ‘Nuff said.

The BCS
A visit from Ty Pennington. This system needs a serious makeover. Playoffs, please.

Tom Brady
A nice, long vacation after a one-and-done appearance in the postseason. Tom Terrific needs a chance to regroup.

Kimbo Slice
Whatever he wants. Seriously, just give it to him.

NASCAR
They’re already getting Danica Patrick. What else could you want?

Notre Dame
Christmas came early for the Irish, with the ousting of Charlie Weiss. Now, it’s time for some New Year’s resolutions.

Eli Manning
A pair of prescription, orthopedic shoes. Get better, Eli.

NFL Fans
This is easy. A Saints vs. Colts Superbowl, please. Preferably with both teams still undefeated.

Tiger Woods
A date with Bill Clinton’s PR people.

That’s all for now. What does your favorite team need for Christmas? Let us know!

- Taylor Maxwell

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