Among all of the horrors unleashed upon the world in the 1990’s, there is one atrocity which is often forgotten. It was an evil just as dastardly as the conflict in Bosnia and just as toxic as the Gulf War oil spill.

Yes, it was even more evil than “Titanic.”

Triffix Entertainment, the company responsible for dropping this bomb upon the world’s populace, has long since come and gone. But the radiation still lingers, festering in the game case next to my Super Nintendo.

June 1, 1992 – It is the day that the pestilence know as Space Football was released to the unsuspecting populace.

There is no way to describe the sheer horror of this event. It must be witnessed.

Let me attempt to swallow the bile rising in my throat and type out a brief analysis.

The game holds only two similarities to actual football: there is a ball, and there are two goals. All comparisons end there, however. As soon as play begins, the ball begins randomly shooting throughout the course, ricocheting with physics so preposterous as to give Isaac Newton an ulcer. Players, piloting their ships in a first-person view, must chase the ball and snare it in their force field. Once captured, they must speed toward their goal in order to score.

I remember the elation well – “Yes! I have the ball! I’m going to get a point!” When suddenly, the ball begins to vibrate and chance colors. First a sickly yellow, then an angry red, and then suddenly it squirts away from your grasp, flying back out into the open arena.

That’s right. You can hold the ball for all of five seconds before it shoots away from your ship.

To make things worse, both you and your opponents can fire “missiles” that will knock the ball out of each other’s grasp. These projectiles, oddly enough, are shaped exactly like the ball. And in their bottomless wickedness, Triffix “Entertainment” deemed it fit to add various tiles throughout all of the arenas, each of which send your ship spiraling in some strange direction, away from the ball.

It’s an evil game, pure and simple. In all honesty, I can’t even remember how it came into my possession. I’m convinced that it sprang forth from the pits of Hell, straight into my game case.

We recognize our fellow burn victims everywhere. Passing someone on the street, sitting next to them at the all-night diner, huddled together at a freezing bus stop. Our eyes will meet, recognizing the mutual scar.

“You played Space Football, didn’t you?”

“… Yeah, man.”

“Dude. I’m so sorry.”

There are support groups. I’m not kidding.

- Taylor Maxwell

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Tags | Football, space football, sports football video game, video game